I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
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*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Breaking news:
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably