“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
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Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.