Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
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I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.