I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
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I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand