I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
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Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
smartest karate player in the world
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”