Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
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The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.