My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
bro what is going on at twitter
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’ve had relationships like this