Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
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[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.