I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
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interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Meme Monday.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.