Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
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jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?