i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
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I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.