you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Just parrot things