As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
time machine? you mean a clock?
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
🤣🤣💀
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child