*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
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No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*