Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
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me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light