Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
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My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It鈥檚 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I鈥檓 not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it鈥檚 3:75
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we鈥檙e not having spaghetti tonight?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 馃槑
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”