I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
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I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family: