[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.