No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
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it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.