Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
me opening up to someone
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”