Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
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My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.