my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.