twitter is a journey
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My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
This forever.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.