Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Tammy is short for Tamuel