Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
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There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
[eulogy]
line?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics