If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
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7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
i wish i could marry a nap
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*