You Might Also Like
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
*offers Batman cough drops*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn