Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.