My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
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I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.