it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
You Might Also Like
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I feel attacked.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”