Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
crying
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Made something I’m not proud of
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges