“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.