Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
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Life hack
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.