My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
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My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks