Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.