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Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti