We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
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Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”