A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
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Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.