My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
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Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”