My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
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“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Thoughts
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”