My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
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NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
How to properly lift a body
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
He’s dead
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.