Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.