The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
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You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Unimpressed
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.