What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
You Might Also Like
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play