As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
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I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.