Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
You Might Also Like
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”