This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…