“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
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Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
…u ok Nintendo?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
#SuperBowl
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.