Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
.. do you even science?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony