When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
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Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
That’s it.I’m out.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
nobody’s gonna understand
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!